You got a problem with the jersey, you got a problem with Surchezk
Sport Review #241
Fuck you, it’s Dan Surchezk. Part man, part money. I eat YOU for breakfast. There I was, trying to drive down Sunset without stopping at a red light with a mostly dead Elk strapped to my Hummer, when my phone blows up. It’s Silverlake. They got a problem.
Everything was going great. We had the Crusaders winning seven titles in a row. Evil empire, ground and pound, yadda yadda, no-one gives a shit, let the wild guy breakdance!
The next week, the guys over at Adidas to make a World Cup jersey. It’s black. Kinda. Ralph Lauren collar. Plants. Looks great!
The kiwis went nuts. It’s gone viral, but not good viral. Like time I emptied my Uzi at the beach. Sheesh. Lucky one of the Pi Lamda Kappa boys was presiding that day. I owe you one buddy.
Anyway. I’ve seen this shirt. And WTF? If I was a Hawaiian fitness goth I’d be all over it like ivy on my Hamptons place.
This is rugby, right? Who plays that? India? These Hobbit fucking motherfuckers are never happy. They don’t know how good they got it! You got one of the great global private equity firms focused on investments in technology, technology-enabled and related industries shitting money at you and you’re complaining about a few snail trails on your jersey? Shoot me in the face.
I needed to think. I pumped iron. I had a matcha. I threw the valet in a dumpster and weighted the lid. Then - I had a solution.
I got Bezos on the line. Had him send a team down and cut all New Zealand’s undersea cables. Set satellites to ‘Blocked’. No more internet, jandal boys. It’s like five million people, I’ve got bigger markets in my bathroom.
You wanna bitch and moan about jerseys? Enjoy getting your DVD player functional, fuck face. These All Blacks are gonna win the world cup and the kiwis won’t even know about it.
The job was done. Another Surchezk win. I had my PA send the invoice and headed to therapy.
Thanks for reading - Richard
This week's best NZ sport content
I was an on again-off again Spark Sport subscriber, depending on what was on. It certainly helped speed up our house finally getting rid of the Sky box and some of its innovations (I’m talking watch from live, Frankie Mackay and a sensible UI, not Craig McMillan’s headwear) are everywhere now. That first season that unashamedly boosted women’s cricket, with a fresh line up of commentators, massively changed the game for the better. David Long appreciated it too [Stuff]
So, Saturday night didn’t go to plan. Here’s Benji Crossley on why the Chiefs couldn’t break the Crusaders in the final [Sportsfreak]
Worry is built into the psyche of every fan of the world’s most dominant international rugby team. Tim Brightwell spells out why you should be worried about every single game at the men’s World Cup [NZ Herald]
Sportsfreak looks at whether it’s sensible or massive distraction to hold out for Kane Williamson, our greatest ever batsman, to be fit for the late stages of the world cup [Sportsfreak]
Disappointing to see ESPN carry shitpost content like this.
Video nasty
I’m just buzzed.
Long read
From the archives - rollicking story of the teenager gang that would break into celebrity’s Beverley Hills mansions to steal the clothes, shoes and jewellery they’d seen on TV and in magazines [Vanity Fair]
Recommendation
This Is The End, an under-seen but very funny rapture comedy is on Netflix, there’s even a Rewatchables podcast.
Excellent