Bluffer's guide to the English Premier League
The English Premier League (EPL) is the biggest domestic football competition in the world, and hot on the heels of the World Cup, it kicks off this weekend - here's all you need to know.
A quick history lesson
English football has come a long way from muddy pitches, men with spiderwebs tattooed on their necks fighting on council estates and Big League Soccer on a Sunday. 1989's Hillsborough disaster meant stadiums were made all-seater and family friendly, moving the game away from its working class roots, while Rupert Murdoch's SKY injected plenty of TV cash when the Premier League as we know it was born in 1992.
Fast forward to 2018, and some of the best players in the world earn hundreds of thousands of pounds a week (a week!) in exotic London, Manchester and, um, Bournemouth for kicking a ball about, doing a bit of training and trying to stay out of the tabloids.
What they're playing for
The top of the table has has been dominated by the top London and Manchester clubs, along with Liverpool, who all want to finish in the top four to get a lucrative and sexy place in the Champions League, Europe's top competition. Three teams get relegated at the end of the season, prompting some desperate football and woe in May, the favourites are Cardiff, Huddersfield and Watford at this stage. In between is a whole lot of mush, really.
The teams
Tottenham Hotspur - From the North East of London, they've hovered around second place for the last few years, but last won the league title in 1961. In England, 'Spursy' means choking, but in actual fact they are the greatest football team the world has ever seen (I support them, ahem.)
Star - Harry Kane, the World Cup golden boot
Storyline - they move into a sumptuous new stadium this year, but tight finances mean they've become the first EPL team to not sign a single new player in the off season, much to their fans' annoyance
Manchester City - won it last year without too much trouble. Were perennially shit and a really solid laughing stock for years until they were brought by Abu Dhabi sheiks, who gave them the cash to buy pretty much any player they wanted. They've done pretty well since.
Star - take your pick
Storyline - can they be stopped?
Manchester United - dominated the 90s and 2000s thanks to the bombastic Alex Fergusson, who oversaw an admittedly fantastic series of teams. Replacing him was hard though, and they're onto their third post-Fegie manager Jose Mourinho, who's either a genius or an unpleasant shyster depending on where you sit
Star - Paul Pogba, the dynamo world cup winner
Storyline - pressure is on to stay in touch with deadly rivals Manchester City
Liverpool - dominated the 70s and 80s but have struggled to reach the same heights for some time. Charismatic German (not a typo) manager Jurgen Klopp has brought wisely in the break, and they should be there or thereabouts
Star - the wonderful Egyptian striker Mo Salah
Story - with some decent signings, they'll be hoping this is the season they can break through
Chelsea and Arsenal - the other two London clubs have both had disappointing (for them) runs lately and go into the season with new leadership - the former goes through managers like rugby goes through rules changes, while Arsenal have just replaced the venerable Arsene Wenger, who'd been in charge since the late 90s
Stars - for Chelsea it's Eden Hazard from the tremendous Belgian world cup run, while for Arsenal Mesut Oil is the least underwhelming
Story - both aiming for top four, it's hard to see them doing much more
The kits
None of this World Cup retro sophistication - they're all shocking. The league's global popularity means many of the sponsors are in Chinese characters, which is fine but makes it all look a bit Blade Runner.
Where to watch
In New Zealand, unless you're doing something untoward with your computer, you need beIN, who partner with SKY to bring you every game, the Spanish league and more to your dish or laptop for $16.10 per month.
Where to follow
The Premier League app has all the fixture and tables etc. I like the Guardian's football pages, and recommend their podcast too.
Thanks for reading - Richard
The week's best NZ sport writing
Probably the best piece of sport writing all year, from proto-WAG Linda Burgess on life as an All Black's partner in the 70s, and the appalling shit she had to put up with. Highly recommended. [The Spinoff]
Steve Holloway on the young Hamilton football coaches putting together solid track records with national level teams [NZ Herald]
Latest soul searching post-My Life, My Fight - Oscar Kightly asks how many more Steven Adams have we missed out on? [stuff.co.nz]
James Dann runs the numbers on a new Christchurch stadium and says nah, the one we have is doing the job just fine, despite what it looks like on TV [The Spinoff]
Video nasty
Watch the football!
Long read
'Out of left field' and 'Back to square one' roll off the tongue, but what do they mean? Here's a revealatory run down on sporting terms whose origins have been lost in the mists [New York Times]
Selected weekend fixtures
In the Premier League, Man U play Fulham at 7am tomorrow, Tottenham play Newcastle at 11.30pm, Liverpool play West Ham (a popular team on NZ Twitter) at 10.30pm Sunday night, while Manchester City play Arsenal at 1am Monday, all on beIN
The Central Pulse play the Southern Steel in the final of the ANZ Premiership in Palmy on Sunday afternoon at 4.15pm on SKY
The Warriors play the Knights at 8pm this evening, it's on SKY
Bring back the gif
When you try to click on a link but it moves before you can hit it.
