Flu-enforced Sport Review archive special!
Due to your Sport Review editorial board falling victim to the flu, this week's edition is slightly shorter, and has raided the sportreview.net.nz archive for attempts at satire from over the years. Ta for understanding, enjoy, normal service resumes next week!
Sept 2007: French to All Blacks: "We will steal your girlfriends"
French efforts to win the World Cup are moving from the playing field to the bedroom, launching a campaign to distract the All Blacks by stealing their girlfriends. Experts believe the players’ unrelenting focus on World Cup preparations, not sweet nothings whispered in ears, could leave them exposed to a brigade of oily French marauders. The news will come as a bombshell to Dan Carter’s girlfriend, hockey player Honor Dillon, and whomever Ali Williams is knocking off this week.
Alarm bells are ringing in the All Blacks’ camp at the potentially disastrous consequences sudden, unexpected heartbreak could have on the campaign. Despite smelling mainly of garlic, onions and cheap aftershave, French men are renowned for their sensitivity to a woman’s physical and emotional desires, compared with our Kiwi fellas’ grunting emotional unavailability.
Read the full article
July 2012: Currie under impression he’s representing NZ in the Haka
NEWSDESK: New Zealand Chef De Mission Dave Currie outlined his plans to bring home the Haka gold medal at an awkward press conference in London overnight.
A New Zealand athlete who did not wish to be named said Currie has made himself at home in the Athletes village. “Dave’s…. you know. His ‘Barcelona 92’ training shorts have seen better days, and are a bit on the short side these days. It’s hard to get decent sleep with ‘Ka Mate Ka Mate’ coming through the wall at 4am every fucking night.”
Currie appeared unaware of any athlete unrest, or indeed that the Haka was not part of Olympic competition. “Our toughest competition will be the Aussies,” said Currie.
Original article
Sept 2013: Auckland man can’t get off Team NZ bandwagon and onto ‘pack of chokers’ bandwagon fast enough
NEWSDESK: Auckland’s Dave Towbarr has switched boats mid-race as it were. Ten days ago, he was clad in red socks and planning several celebratory sick days to drink pre-mixed bourbon and cola.
Today, Towbarr is calling current affairs TV shows to let them know he’s burning the Barkers trackpants he uses for painting.
Towbarr takes his 180 degree tack from ‘Stuff those Yankee Wankers’ to ‘Grant Dalton owes me money for the time I’ve spent watching this shit’ in his stride. “Farkin’ Greg Norman, John Hart, Hershelle Gibbs choking losers,” said Towbarr, while making prolonged strangling sounds and gestures.
Towbarr, whose previous yachting interest was limited to using the local sailing club carpark for burnouts, admitted he became a stanch Team New Zealand supporter around match day six, fueled by a mix of unhinged nationalism (“Give ’em a taste of farkin’ Kiwi boys, other nation’s marine industries can lick my balls!”), misguided anti-Americanism (“Russell Coutts sure will walk funny with that boat up his arse!”) and taxpayer entitlement (“I paid for that bloody boat!”).
Read the full article
Thanks for reading - Richard
The week's best NZ sport writing
Courage and class - 50 women who shaped NZ sport - comprehensive and classily presented in suffrage anniversary week [NZ Herald]
Todd Niall has a long look at everyone's favourite political football, Eden Park [stuff.co.nz]
Video nasty
NFL kickoff is the show that loves dropping Princess Bride quotes.
You can read about why they did it here.
Long read
Why The Athletic wants to pillage newspapers - if you follow US sport, your favourite writers have probably moved to this pay-wall only behemoth [The New York Times]
Selected weekend fixtures
Chiefs derby BOP v Waikato is tonight at 7.35pm from Rotorua, while Otago play Canterbury at 5.05pm Saturday, it's on SKY
Silver Ferns v Australia - this will be interesting, 3pm Sunday, it's on SKY
Bring back the gif
When you try to start tidying up before the party's finished.
