Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone - the stages of coping with an All Black loss
Stage one - Hope
Happens at around 20 minutes to go. All the subs are on and we're not pulling away. Remember to breathe. Offer positive support. If you're unable to do so, focus on the referee and his nationality.
Stage two - Crushed dreams
We've lost. The boys are walking around the park in a daze, aimlessly spraying sports drink around and doing mournful nose clearances. You're tempted to turn on talkback and listen to some angry people. Don't to do that. Go to bed, toss and turn until 6am before falling into a dreamless sleep. Be aware your dreams may now be over forever.
Stage three - Distraction
Sunday. Get the paper. Pretend to be interested in the restaurant reviews and business analysis. Sneak away and angrily read the sport section the loo. Emerge. Go for a run. Have a sneaky cry on the shared path. Stop for a McDonalds Hunger Buster and devour it at the bottom of the drive, putting the rubbish immediately in the wheelie bin. Fake a migraine for the remainder of the day.
Stage four - Cautiously rejoining society
Monday. Drive to your place of work. Be gracious if you encounter colleagues from the nation you've just lost to. Don't punch anyone in the balls. Should discussion of the match occur, mentally retreat to your 'happy place' ie enjoying Argentinian steaks beside the Sheraton Denarau pool with the Barrett brothers and Graham Henry. Go home at 3.20pm.
Stage five - The wallowing time
Breathlessly read the opinion pieces that cram the nation's media for the week. Bargain with the devil around this loss and the next scheduled World Cup. Assign blame to individuals. Change your mind on those individuals frequently. Consider leaving comments on Tony Veitch's Facebook page.
Stage six - Phoenix from the flames
Take the family out for a late afternoon stroll around the neighbourhood. Bake some bread. Enjoy tennis on the TV. Update your LinkedIn page. Call an old friend. Avoid talking about potential goal kicking options within the match day squad, angry shouting and abruptly hanging up. Send an email of apology no later than 12 hours after ending the call.
Stage seven - Acceptance
Prepare to watch the next weekend's match. Responsibly enjoy three quarters of your beers before kick off. Hide sharp objects. Direct any remaining negative energy at the television commentators. Be ready to switch to rowing on Pop Up channel 8 should the game go against the All Blacks. Remember you are a valid individual with unique gifts whose worth is not defined by sporting results outside your control. If that fails, just yell at the referee.
Thanks for reading - Richard
The week's best NZ sport writing
Dana Johannsen's week long series on doping in NZ sport is a depressing litany of haphazard testing and athletes being needlessly punished [stuff.co.nz]
Declan Edge's Ole Football Academy's team made the Chatham Cup final this year, and churns out world class talent galore, as Liam Hyslop found out [stuff.co.nz]
Ben Stanley rounds up recent strides in gender equality in NZ sport and finds good progress, but definite work-ons too [Vice]
42% of this year's NZ Secondary Schools rugby team came from private schools - Dylan Cleaver asks if we're in danger of turning the elite game that became the people's game back into an elite one [NZ Herald]
Video nasty
Who says Kiwis can't fly?
Long read
"If you don't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, it's you." An oral history of Rounders, one of the great 90's films [The Ringer]
Selected weekend fixtures
Cricket at last - the White Ferns play Australia in the first T20i on Saturday night at 9.10pm from Sydney. Coverage is on the cricket.com.au website
The Ryder Cup is on this weekend from early Saturday morning on SKY, it's some of the best golf you'll see
The All Blacks emerge from a serious meat coma to play Argentina at 11.40am on Sunday, it's on SKY
There's a Shield challenge at 2.35pm on Saturday afternoon when Waikato waste Southland, it's on SKY
West Ham play Man U at 11.30pm Saturday night, while Chelsea and Liverpool play at 5.30 Sunday morning, they're both on BeIN
Bring back the gif
When you try the self-deprecating personal anecdote in a meeting but it doesn't land at all.
