How to tell if you're a real NZ sport fan
New Zealand values have been in the news lately, but what about the sporting angle? This week's Sport Review newsletter is pleased to present a list of ten things you need to have qualify as a Real NZ Sport Fan, and feel comfortable sliding into any country pub to catch the last half of the Shield challenge, while hoping the kids aren't fighting too much in the car:
Sworn at a TV rugby commentator - whether it's Murray Mexted or Justin Marshall, unless the 50" is flecked in spit before the game's even kicked off, you're not doing your job, mate
Fallen asleep at the tennis - Christmas is exhausting, all that driving, all that food, all that sand. So when you score free tickets to the ASB Classic in early January and are three gin and tonics deep at 10.45am, it's only going one way
Fast forwarded through the news to the sport - every night
Got caught waving 'hi mum' to the TV camera at the cricket when you're meant to be off work sick - career limiting hall of famer
Badly misjudged clothing for the rugby - you're going into town after, so you need something halfway smart, but this is a night match in Wellington in June. You decided to harden up, and went with your cool shirt and no jacket, and that's why you're currently in an ambulance with frostbite
Bowled a child over playing backyard cricket - you want to foster a love for the game, but you also want to bat next. Sorry Bevin, that's how this game is played
Support Queensland because of Graham Lowe - it's your national duty
Lost a lot of money on horses because you don't know how to complete a TAB betting form - this is potentially a learning experience, but by the time the next Melbourne Cup rolls around, you'll have forgotten how once again
Played golf while extremely drunk - the best bit was the carts
Pretend you know what just happened watching rugby - look, no-one knows the bloody rules, and they change them every year. But someone's asked you what that penalty was for and you're as surprised as anyone at the complete horse shit that's just come out of your mouth
Thanks for reading - Richard
The week's best NZ sport writing
The Spinoff's Simon Day meets a spearfishing crew to learn the attractions of one of the most he-man hobbies going. Great photos too [The Spinoff]
Fantastic photo essay of the Naseby Curling match - includes some outstanding knitted headwear [North and South]
Madeleine Chapman goes on the hunt for Black Ferns merch, and has no luck. Good test for our sports' commitment to gender equality, this one [The Spinoff]
Things are looking shakier than your will to live when Goggle Box comes on for Micheal Cheika - Barry Guy says he's good for the game though, and I agree [RNZ]
Video nasty
How good is this Russian backflip penalty kick? Bloody catchy music too.
Long read
Ben Thornley was the best player in that Man United youth side with Giggs, Beckham, Scholes etc - but a horrific knee injury ended it all. He's surprisingly OK with it [The Guardian]
Selected weekend fixtures
In the Mitre 10 Cup, the Waikato v Otago Shield challenge looks like the pick of the round, it's on at 5.15pm on Saturday, while Auckland and North Harbour play at 2.15pm on Sunday afternoon, it's all on SKY
Sunday is us v Aus in Rugby League in all ages and genders, it's on SKY
The Breakers play the Sydney Kings at 2.20pm on Sunday, it's on SKY
In the EPL, it's Chelsea v Man United at 12.30am Sunday morning, and West Ham v Spurs at 3.00am the same night, it's all on BeIN
Bring back the gif
When you go out for one and end up having 15.
