Summer edition - sportreview.net.nz archive special
While concerns around cured pork and beer take precedence, enjoy a trip through the archives of sportreview.net.nz. Normal service will resume next week.
August 2009 - Top Fight Club duos in sport
2. Carlos Spencer is a figment of Andrew Merthens’ imagination.
You can tell by the haircuts. While Carlos rolled out ever-more-bizarre combinations of curls, bleach and goatees throughout his career like a some kind of NPC Cher, Merthens played it straight down the middle with short back and sides every time, the kind of thing that befits an ex-private schoolboy and future Prime Minister. Merths used to run, but soon settled in to the role of All Blacks’ quarterback, doing the accurate passing and pinpoint kicking basics so well he mostly wound up getting picked. And winning, especially with the Crusaders. Up in the big smoke Carlos was pure rock and roll, strutting around Eden Park like Prince on his motorbike in Purple Rain, or Kiss’ Gene Simmons, with wipers kicks, netball passes and banana poppers*. He’d have been right at home in the Harlem Globetrotters. Both wound up messing up a decent shot at a World Cup for New Zealand.
Read full article
September 2010: Delhi officials concede Otago scarfie interior design firm were poor choice
NEWSDESK: Commonwealth Games officials have admitted contracting Otago University student interior design firm Yardglass, Cistern and Crack to decorate Athlete’s Village may have been the wrong move. “I don’t know what kind of squalor these ‘students’ live in, but this is unholy. I can understand a few baked beans on a ceiling, but in every room? That growth I encountered in a lavatory is making it hard for me to sleep,” said Hon. Michael Fennell of the organising committee.
A spokesman for Yardglass, Cistern and Crack said the athlete’s village design was consistent with their earlier work. “We need a bit of perspective – no-one’s shat in anyone’s bed yet.” The spokesman pointed to several years experience decorating student flats in Dunedin with a 65% bond refund strike rate as well as innovations like astroturf carpeting, longdrop toilet conversions and a fridge in the lounge.
“Athletes bringing a synchronised swimmer back to their room may want to leave the light off, but that’s standard practice where we’re from.”
June 2011: Stephen Donald resting up on Kapiti Coast beach
NEWSDESK: Former All Black Stephen Donald has made himself at home on a Kapiti Coast beach. Donald, who was dropped from the All Black training squad this week, was discovered by Peka Peka Beach resident Gladys Coronation, who was out walking her dogs. “I thought I was seeing things, it’s pretty unusual to see an All Black in this neck of the woods. He seems content, but he’s just… sitting there.”
Coronation contacted the Department of Conservation, who are advising that people should remain at least ten metres away from Stephen Donald at all times, and that dogs should be kept on a leash. “Donald could deliver a vicious peck if he feels threatened. Best case scenario is that he eventually swims back out to sea,” said a DOC spokesperson.
The residents of Peka Peka beach have taken Stephen Donald into their hearts, and are taking it in turns to stand guard. “I’d love to throw a blanket on him and say ‘Just forget about fucking up in Hong Kong, bro’ but you have to let him be. You just have to let him be,” said local hardcase Gavin McEyebrow.
Read full article
See also: Defending the Donald
Stalkipedia: Colin Meads
Stalker: Richard, sportreview.net.nz
When: 2002
Where: Muddy Farmer pub, downtown Auckland. The loo, to be precise
Details: I was having a few quiets late one Friday night, when I spied an array of then-All Black coaches and administrators regularly wobbling past our table. John Mitchell. Jock Hobbs. Colin Meads. The Hurricanes had played the Blues that night at Eden Park, and those guys were getting stuck in.
I kind of forgot all about them until I went for a slash and came around the corner into the urinals and nearly bounced off this man-mountain coming the other way. I looked up and saw the most tremendous eyebrows. I can’t stress this point enough – as someone often accused of being well brow-endowed, I was impressed. Colin makes Graham Henry look like Kate Moss. The brows belonged to non other than Colin Meads, the man, the legend, etc. He was bloody huge. I had to say something.
Me – “Can I shake your hand?”
Colin Meads – “OK”
*shakes hand*
Me – “Having a big night?”
Colin Meads – “Big night… *significant pause* ….ah ha. Biiiiiiiig night.”
And that’s it. I doubt he’d remember me. On reflection, I’d have preferred to meet our greatest in somewhere other than a pub toilet. Still, you have to seize the day, right?
Note: the long-defunct sportreview.net.nz/stalkipedia section of the site needs reviving! If you have a pic with one of your sporting heroes, reply to this email and send it in, there could even be a special edition newsletter one week.
Thanks for reading
- Richard