"This isn't what I expected," admits Israel Folau from hell
Controversial former Wallabies star Israel Folau admits an eternity in the fiery pits of Hades is a big comedown from international rugby superstardom.
Speaking to reporters while being mercilessly flogged with switches by crocodile-headed minions, the deeply religious Folau could see the irony of his current location. "One minute you're relaxing on the couch with your phone, the next the ground splits asunder and plunges you into a scalding hell hole. It's a set back."
Notorious for social media posts threatening damnation for the LGBTQI community, drunks, idolators (sic) and the unclean, Folau reassured the sporting public those days are behind him. "The first thing Satan does is take your phone, they don't call him the prince of darkness for nothing!"
Warratahs and Wallabies teammate Adam Ashley-Cooper said "While we didn't always see eye to eye, no-one wants to see a team mate doomed to everlasting torture by Beelzebub and his ungodly hordes. The bloke's got a big ticker and I'm sure he'll tough it out."
Rugby Australia confirmed in a statement that Folau's Instagram posts and location meant he's been released from his contract, adding player welfare staff were unable to visit Folau in the bowels of hell due to health and safety protocols.
Thanks for reading - Richard
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Thinking about appropriate sanctions for Israel Folau like:
