Rugby World Cup archive special

School holiday action means we're going into the sportreview.net.nz crypt team - normal service returns next week team.

September 2007 - French to All Blacks: "We will steal your girlfriends'

Alarm bells are ringing in the All Blacks’ camp at the potentially disastrous consequences sudden, unexpected heartbreak could have on the campaign. Despite smelling mainly of garlic, onions and cheap aftershave, French men are renowned for their sensitivity to a woman’s physical and emotional desires, compared with our Kiwi fellas’ grunting emotional unavailability. Tactics at the French gits’ disposal include admiring the starry lights of Paris by night, getting caught in the rain and seeking shelter in a cafe, browsing second hand bookshops wearing a beret, and speaking French, the language of love.

The All Blacks are now playing catch up, learning key romantic French phases like “Ici, ayez une chemise de polo d’Adidas, je l’a obtenue libre” (Here, have an Adidas polo shirt, I got it free), “Là où sont mes chaussettes propres?” (Where are my clean socks?), and “La jeune mariée d’emballement est sur le câble ce soir, bébé” (Runaway Bride is on cable tonight, baby).

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September 2011: All Black selectors get drunk, select backline

All Black selectors confirmed they were “pretty wasted” when selecting the team to face Tonga. Forwards coach Steve Hansen told a packed press conference: “We had a few selection headaches, so Smithy brought a box of Woody’s. It all kicked on from there.”

“We looked at the whole squad, their form, the combinations… then we got fucko. One minute we’re discussing Conrad’s defence vs Sonny Bill’s offload, next thing I’m arguing with a bouncer about the club shutting at 5am. I wasn’t even up for a biggy!” said head coach Graham Henry. When asked if rotating the squad at this stage was dooming the team to repeat the mistakes of 2007’s early exit, a clearly tired and emotional Henry replied “Fight you,” before falling asleep awkwardly on his microphone.

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August 2015: Taranaki man’s RWC blame list nears completion

When it comes to IDing blame list potential, Neckwrench is content to play the long game, evidenced by adding Wayne Barnes to his 2007 list eighteen months before the tournament. “He’s a shit ref, and I could see the IRB lining him up to fuck us over some distance out.”

The lists themselves are kept on Excel spreadsheets in a computer folder simply labelled ‘Rugby Blame.’ “Sure, my 2011 list wasn’t needed, but importantly, it was set to go. Plus, I could just cut and paste Sonny Bill from 2011 to 2015, saving seconds,” said Neckwrench, who has ‘I told you so’ tattooed on both arms.

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Thanks for reading - Richard

The week's best NZ sport content

Backgrounder on the sport streaming wars, after yesterday's news re: NZC teaming up with Spark Sport. Everyone's up for choice, and not paying SKY for E Channel to watch rugby, but will you have to have six subscriptions to watch everything now? [NZ Herald]

Dylan Cleaver talks you through the Typhoons, yellow cards and why this year's world cup has already been badly compromised [NZ Herald]

Michaela Sokolich-Beatson is a Silver Fern leader in the making - Suzanne McFadden meets her - and big congrats on the LockerRoom / SKY TV deal, super result all around and recognition on some high quality work [LockerRoom]

Where are the All Blacks of 1987 today? [Stuff]

Great conversation with White Fern Sophie Devine on everything from back yard cricket to the influence of family on young athletes and how to find your way in sport [AUT Millennium]

Video nasty

Tony Hawk talks you through incrementally more complicated skateboard tricks.

Long read

Novelist Michael Chabon gets well outside his comfort zone by taking his 14 year old son to Paris Fashion Week, but gets to know him better than ever before [GQ]

Recommendation

I've absolutely loved reading Erik Larson's The Devil in the White City (about the 1893 Chicago world fair, and a serial killer who lurked among the crowds) and Dead Wake (about the Luistana, the Titanic-sized ocean liner that was torpedoed, then sank in 18 minutes off the Irish coast and helped bring America into WW1) lately. They're both insanely deeply researched, and bring the protagonists to life to draw you in like a novel. I'm off to the library to track down the rest of his books.

Bring back the gif

Typhoon Hagibis arrives at the world cup.