All the things to say at your Warriors coaching interview

Sport Review #120

I love Rugby League!

Great start. The Warriors are a Rugby League club playing in a Rugby League competition in Australia, establishing common ground is key.

I want to coach in the NRL.

Sure mate, we all want to coach at the Broncos or the Storm, but no-one gets handed those sweet sweet roles without some hard learnings at a shithouse club like the Warriors. Don’t verbalise that last bit.

I’m interested in the Warriors coaching job.

Steady. This is one of the most poisoned chalices in all of sport, if they think you’re actually interested, they might think you’re a nutter and rule you out. Best to pretend you were looking for somewhere to charge your phone and stay quiet.

I know where we’ve gone wrong.

Thin ice fella! No-one’s capable of that level of research!

Is the board involved in decision making all, because the last few years looks like lurching from one shit geyser to another, if there’s a plan I’m not seeing it.

While you’re technically correct, and this is certainly a question that will help you stand out from the pack, there are likely sensitivities around massive and chronic underachievement. Maybe talk about your biggest weakness or something instead.

Can I talk to the previous coaches?

Don’t you look at Wikipedia mate?!? The Warriors have had 16 coaches in the last two years, you can’t take up all your time talking to all those guys when you have to do some coaching! Be sensible!

What colour do the Warriors play in?

The Warriors’ playing strip is determined by a magical bearded elf with massive rings that pulls into the Mount Smart carpark on a Harley every Friday at 3.15pm and throws the kit at waiting staff. It’s a closely guarded secret and if you even hint you know about the elf you could be marked down as a leaker. Move on, and don’t push this line.

Graham Lowe should shut the fuck up!

You’re nailing this!

Do the Warriors have a sensory deprivation tank? That locks from the inside and you can’t hear anything of the outside world?

This is a stressful, stressful job, and if the board think you’re already planning on spending long periods of time alone in a dark chamber listening to dolphin sound, they’re probably going to mark you down as a top strategist! Nice work!

Thanks for reading - Richard

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