All the ways I would fail as a Winter Olympian
Sport Review #186
There’s a popular argument that all Olympic sports should have one non-athlete compete, so viewers at home have a reference point for how difficult it is. A case in point - Elizabeth Swaney, who qualified for the olympics, completely underwhelmed and made no apology.
This paradigm suits Sport Review’s skillset to a tee, and so, here are all the ways I would likely fail at being a Winter Olympian:
Badly misjudge the rules around excess luggage allowances, initiate and draw out sharp exchange of views at oversize baggage desk, miss flight
Lose team issue N95 masks in the Auckland Koru Lounge, miss flight
Pack leftover brisket sandwich with team issue luggage and apparel, bags sent back to Auckland
Ride extremely cautiously down hill to big air ramp, collapse over edge, record a 0.3 metre jump, spend 3-4 agonising minutes trying to regain footing while commentators fill awkwardly due to non-existent Wikipedia page
I just look rubbish in beanies, tbh
Achieve a reverse Bradbury in the speed skating by unforced fall after other competitors lap me for the sixth time
Spark international bio integrity brouhaha involving late night nordic skiing mission to non-bubble kebab outlet
Formal complaint from Canadian Snowboard team for one too many ‘got any pot bro?’ jokes
Thanks for reading - Richard
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