Alternative Commonwealth Games

Sport Review #247

This tradition of bringing together nations to play a fairly random and also ever-changing set of sports is in trouble, after Victoria (Victoria!) said ‘nah mate’ to hosting the Commonwealth Games, citing issues like lack of money, lack of returns and general lack of interest.

Starting with traditional fare like track and field and rowing, we’re now welcoming in sports that are pretty non-plussed about being there, like rugby and cricket, who have bigger and better competitions elsewhere. In fairness, this dilution has taken chances away from sports for whom the Games are a worthwhile hit out, a decent competition every couple of years at a great time in the Olympic cycle.

But, if we’re really wedded to the idea of general sport with other nations lucky enough to be once ruled by Britannia every few years, why not lean into the bizarreness of it all and do something different? Britain has given us many things, and now it’s our turn to give something back by reviving and remaking this grand institution for a new generation.

Boat Race - binge, competitive drinking is one of the many gifts our Commonwealth forefathers gave us. And like rugby and cricket, the colonials took these contests and did it better (see also fish and chips). ‘Boat’ is something to do with rowing apparently, but no-one cares - the contest is simply two teams lining up and drinking to see who can do it faster. It will be great TV, and it will also be New Zealand v Australia in the final.

Superstars - this contest of sporting stars put in genuinely dangerous situations is built for today’s lust for blood and also viral content. Just look:

Best tea making - our colonial forebears take this hot water and leaves arrangement gravely seriously. And if you get it wrong you will suffer. Each country submits its champion to make the teas for a mid-tier Historic Place Preservation Committee AGM - the victors receive medals. The losers receive spat-out tea and a severe flogging.

It’s a Royal Knockout - a one thousand percent ratings winner. Commonwealth nations put up their leaders for big hats and humiliation. Chippy v Albo v Justin v Rishi. Harry v Wills v Kate v Megan. This shit writes itself. Sport Review can guarantee no-one will look as furious as the GOAT Princess Anne though.

Thanks for reading - Richard

This week's best NZ sport content

The fire alarm during USA v Netherlands was weird on the TV, must have been very weird in the stadium, but what would have been weirder / more frightening / disastrous was if it was real [Spinoff]

Merryn Anderson and Bridget Tunnicliffe try to make sense of the Silver Ferns’ world cup exit [Locker Room, RNZ]

Thoroughly depressing read on being a netball dad, but applicable to any parent involved in any sport. Illustrates nicely that kids are often oblivious to parents’ fucking bullshit projections… but overall, people just need to do better [NZ Herald]

The BYC pod looks at the BLACKCAPS squad, and Dylan Cleaver interviews Matt Henry [BYC Podcast]

Video nasty

Get the tissues ready for this one.

Long read

This guy tries to make eight dishes from The Bear and it just about breaks him. There goes your weekend. When it comes to chip omelettes through, I recommend you also try Ferran Adrià’s one, it will be better.

Recommendation 

Six Four is a cracking missing person / detective / family drama over a tight four episodes. It’s on Three on demand.