Ask Sport Review - Rugby night etiquette

Sport Review #231

Sport Review answers reader etiquette questions about getting the gang over for the big game.

‘Dear Sport Review - I have a small room in my house that’s very personal to me. If the boys were to see it… I’d never hear the end of it. OK, it’s a Duane Monkley shrine. How do I effectively host and maintain discretion?’

Just lock the door bro. And if anyone really fucks you off, lock them in there, they’ll be a better person for it.

‘My TV is well under 50” and I’m feeling inadequate.’

It’s not the size of the ship but how it sits on the water my friend. Don’t let the unrealistic expectations of modern life or the JB HiFi catalogue dictate your self worth - roll with what you have and if anyone mentions it make them watch it on their fucking phone.

‘My friend is a big Crusaders fan - but honestly, that team just sucks the joy out of rugby and I don’t want to hear about Razor or Richie or what high schools the players went to all night 😢.’

I hear you - to negotiate this unpleasant situation, it’s important to first acknowledge the feelings of rage and nausea your friend manifests, and then embrace it through the medium of petty revenge. Make that toxic energy work for you by changing the WiFi network to ‘Grizz is a pussy’ and give them the sausage roll that fell on the floor. It won’t make them less annoying but create an emotional barrier between them and any harm they can cause your chi.

‘How do I stop the boys from cleaning out my craft beers?’

Tricky. You want to be a charitable host, but on the other hand those are seriously $14 a can and I’m not convinced Dave The Fuck is going to fully appreciate the Nelson Sauvin hops after pre-loading on sherry at home. Either make it extremely clear it’s BYO or make a play for a retro night and get in a crate of Waikatos. You don’t want to be in a situation where you’re trying to force down a triple hazy in the kitchen, that shit’s like 10% and you won’t be hosting too much after that.

‘The game finishes at like 9.30pm and the night is still young. How can I avoid having to actually speak to these ghastly people?’

This is why it’s usually best to suggest the pub, so you can Irish goodbye and get out of there on the 85 minute mark. But having made your bed, regain control of your domain by suggesting a game of charades with the boys or asking if anyone would like to talk about their feelings. You’ll be alone and free to rewatch Line Of Duty before you can say ‘emotionally stunted’.

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A frankly unbelievable but also iconic kiwi sporting achievement:

Thanks for reading - Richard

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