Assessing Auckland stadiums by third tier Star Wars characters

Sport Review #263

Life comes at you fast. Plenty has changed since Sport Review reviewed Auckland’s stadiums back in 2018. Since then we’ve had stadiums disappear, stadiums up their game considerably and new stadiums emerge from the shadows. It’s time for a fresh look, using the industry standard third tier Star Wars character index.

Mount Smart

It’s… back? Warriors tickets were the hottest in town, all shoeies, signs, drums and facepaint. It had the All Blacks for a Test. And it’s set to be the home of the new Auckland A-League football team. It almost hosted Elton John, if it weren’t for the cursed first Auckland flood. Mt Smart is a fantastic size and has built up history and culture over time, despite being in the midst of mysterious industrial buildings with enterprising car park scalpers for miles around.

Third tier Star Wars character: Lando Calrissian. Just a very cool vibe. Loyal friend, would help anyone out.

Spark Arena

Does all that’s asked of it really well. Great views, decent sound, solid food and drink. Hosts the Breakers, netball and concerts and despite the lack of public transport in easy walking distance, you can’t imagine Auckland without it.

Third tier Star Wars character: Max Rebo Band. When you’re confident in your ability and have nothing to prove, it frees your mind to bash out sick grooves.

Albany Stadium

Once a fairly standard rugby / football ground, it unfortunately took out a whole lot of seating to accommodate a baseball diamond for the Tuatara, who unfortunately and promptly folded after COVID. Still regularly used for football and rugby, but captures the imagination like trying to catch vape clouds with a butterfly net.

Third tier Star Wars character: Gronk droid. Solid and can do a job, but requires some love.

Eden Park Outer Oval

Really cool little cricket ground complete with family atmosphere when full, but is coming to the end of its use-by with developments elsewhere. Batters can easily access Sandringham Road and the Mobil service station across the road, great fun for people watching at home, but the risk of being hit in the head with a cricket ball when procuring petrol, a mince and cheese and packet of Burger Rings is not cool.

Third tier Star Wars character: Mos Espa. A great place to refuel.

America’s Cup village

No longer required. And we can’t find a spot on the waterfront in the city of sails to host a Sail GP event at the moment, somehow. Move the car parks, move the port, build the bloody waterfront national stadium already. Entirely sub optimal.

Third tier Star Wars character: Sarlacc pit. You don’t want to go in, and nothing comes out.

Colin Maiden Park

With people’s champ Western Springs knocked out of contention for reasons unknown, this is the apparent winner of Auckland’s Test Cricket hunger games, sort-of announced in response to this Herald story. It’s fair to say Auckland fans are sceptical about plans for making this multi sport facility that’s closer to the Sylvia Park Zara than Britomart the answer to Auckland’s Test cricket boondoggle, and I’d be very interested to see it.

Third tier Star Wars character: Chief Chirpa. Looks unassuming and non-threatening but is apparently capable of great things.

Eden Park

Just when you thought things would quietly wind down in Sandringham and naturally lead to some kind of waterfront stadium, they get their shit together and actually go quite well.

The good people of Sandringham now must don high end headphones to enjoy their free jazz vinyl, becuase Eden Park now hosts boring but popular concerts from the likes of Six60, Coldplay and Billy Joel. they also had to put up with a series of sold out matches for (checks notes) women’s football? The World Cup was a start to finish triumph and showed people what’s possible with women’s sport, and Eden Park accommodating the ruthlessly efficient FIFA machine was a big part of it here in New Zealand.

There are also events that open it up to the public that never existed before, like the ACC six hitting festival, and golf days. This is the national stadium we deserve, even if it remains in the wrong place.

Third tier Star Wars character: IG-11, friendly and weird shaped, but very firey when cornered, won’t go down without a fight.

Auckland football waterfront stadium

It turns out all we need is a billionaire. Everyone is very excited about professional football in Auckland, especially when the owner casually chucks in mention of building a waterfront stadium, you know, just a cheeky little 20k seater on the harbour.

Third tier Star Wars character: Mon Mothma, the compelling but reassuring adult in the room.

Thanks for reading - Richard

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With breaking news this morning of a low-ball offer from SKY, you should listen to Dana Johannsen and The Detail on the crisis heading for NZ Netball [RNZ]

The ASB Classic men’s line up is bloody impressive, with big Ben Shelton headlining, but watch out for hipster’s favourite Adrian Mannarino with his loose string tension, patter tennis strokes and smokey male model looks [Twitter]

SKY Sport put their prices up this week, causing much wailing and gnashing of teeth, given the cricket is on TVNZ this year (Sport Review made a rare good financial decision by locking in the annual pass at a big discount on Black Friday, watch for that next year) - meanwhile, Chris ‘caption god’ Keall looks at why the recent EPL bid process could be good news for SKY [NZ Herald]

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Older but relevant piece about ACL knee injuries for women athletes, given they seem to come every week, and how targeted warm ups can help [Axis]

UK Golf Guy has been in New Zealand playing all the top courses - check out his photos and commentary, it’s amazing but he somehow missed playing Reporoa [Twitter]

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Long read

Patricia Lockwood goes to Rome to meet the Pope [London Review of Books]

Recommendation 

Fisk is a bone dry Aussie comedy that’s on Netflix.