Blessed crowd / Cursed crowd

Sport Review #189

Apr 07, 2022

It’s been a while since we’ve had crowds. Blame COVID, but the thrill / nightmare of standing at close quarters with general humanity at sport is a distant memory for many of us. And so, Sport Review presents a handy reminder of the best and worst aspects of gathering in one place for the big game to lure you back to the stadiums.

Blessed

The kindly statto - An absolute legend at the cricket. Turns up with an elderly battery operated radio playing the commentary at a considerate volume and a cheese and branston pickle sandwich. Leads out with a couple of really fucking interesting bits of trivia to test the waters, and by the end of the days’ play is rattling off averages and tales of bowlers who appeared here in an under 19’s series.

Opposition fans who can take a joke - A big part of supporting a team is hating other teams. That’s all very well from your living room, but what happens when you’re sat right next to a Crusaders fan with an aggressively neat goatee with a ‘Matt Todd is Jesus’ hat? If people work together and doesn’t take offence, that’s an extremely elevated shared experience - before you know it you’re swapping numbers and agreeing to stay in their Air B&B and doing a rail trail or something. Obviously this never happens, but it’s really nice in the moment.

Quality chat guy - The loud / witty combo is very, very rare, but being around someone who can pull it off is extremely blessed indeed. You don’t want a running commentary, but popping up with great timing in a tense moment or to break up a slow period of play can certainly lift your enjoyment. To be truely quality, they need to be able to think on their feet to match the game situation, but get massive bonus points if they’ve done deep research and can take the piss out of an Australian batsman’s poor run of scores on this ground in the past *and* an embarrassing recent relationship breakup or ad campaign.

Cursed

Mexican wave guy - You’ve barely taken your seat and he’s up, facing away from the game and counting at innocent members of the public at full volume and berating them to get up, and sit back down again. Newsflash - Mexican waves started in 198 fucking 6 at the football world cup. They were acceptable for around a fortnight, and then became shit. Don’t be that guy.

Get on TV guy - Neck swivelling like an owl, looking for all the cameras and waving awkwardly while dressed as a panda or something. Give it up.

Monitoring your food / drink intake guy - Some people can’t enjoy themselves. Sure, you’re up for the 13th beer / toilet stop during the first half, but I don’t want to hear ‘Another hot dog mate?’ or be asked if I’m here to watch a wet weather kicking duel or drink. There’s a school of thought that says rugby must be endured like a monk, no talking, no enjoying yourself and it must end.

Bluetooth speaker guy - Just no.

Thanks for reading - Richard

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