Bluffer's guide to NZ A-League football banter

Sport Review #307

Auckland FC’s arrival has caused an unprecedented banter explosion that’s left a breathless sporting public shaking like they’ve just stepped out of a spin cycle.

Saturday’s return derby saw SKY substitute presenter Jeff Wilson acting as ambassador for the rest of the sporting public, asking what the fuck was happening here. Patrick Gower, who inserted himself as a banter generator and target early doors, was somehow also there to chat up radio celebs in the lounge and Phoenix fans in the stands.

This isn’t your dad’s super rugby banter (everyone v Crusaders, Hurricanes v everyone) - it’s an all-channels escalation involving clubs, organised fan groups and everyone else. If you’re having a hard time keeping up, here’s what you need to know to pass muster at office morning tea sport chat:

Fan groups

AFC: The Port emerged from nowhere to become an effective tfosi for their team. Made a name for themselves by taking a few hundred fans to Wellington for the first derby win. The players obviously love them, with a few hundred team selfies happening in front of the fans. There will be harder days ahead, but you have to say the good people of the Port look like they’re having a bloody good time.

Phoenix: Had well-established banter infrastructure in place for years through the Yellow Fever, the fan group behind the laser kiwi flag and years of pub crawls. Have tried to land a few blows so far, but like the Commerce Commission’s split of Telecom in the 2000s, it’s hoped that competition will lift value for consumers.

Key messages

AFC: ‘We’re top of the league’ - it’s clear and hard to counter. Also nicked the Phoenix’s patented shirts-off celebration in an epic troll.

Phoenix: ‘You’ve got no history’ - True, but also not a problem of AFC or their fans’ creation. Looping in Auckland’s chequered past attempts of professional football has ‘my argument is so powerful’ energy, especially when the on and off field effort is a different class to what’s gone before. It’s unclear what banter beach heads will be attempted once AFC achieves the ‘history’ threshold, but YF are pretty creative, they will no doubt think of something.

Official bantz

AFC: Strong entries already, from the big budget / tough execution of the ‘Ellington’ billboard that shot up after winning derby one…

…to the stream of lo-fi memes. The tone is scrappy, and they are winning this one easy.

Phoenix: Have been caught a little flat-footed, not helped by two AFC wins out of two, leaving space only for earnest content like this:

Coach banter

AFC: Steve Corica fell into Chiefy’s trap when he felt compelled to bite back at the ‘easy draw’ chat. No need.

Phoenix: Successfully sparked a War Of Words™ with the above, and got his team to finally breach Auckland’s defence, but neither of these feats earns any points unfortunately.

Where to next

Shithousery and content fans can rejoice, ‘cos there’s (yet) another NZ derby coming up on 22 February, by which time we’ll know if AFC really are the real deal, and the Phoenix will have had time to lick their derby wounds. And it really will be all on if the NZ teams get drawn in the playoffs, can you imagine?

Everyone is saying this is a great thing for football and for sport - and they are right. And 2025/26 will have yet another escalation, with the AFC women’s team entering the league for another rivalry to spring up.

It turns out latent football regional rivalry banter was a rich resource we had with us the whole time. Now the well has been tapped, we’re going to see what the capacity for content and good natured niggle really is in this country - get on board.

Thanks for reading - Richard

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