Get ready with me: Test cricket
Sport Review #304
Test cricket is a unique proposition for players and spectators alike. Sure, it’s a proper challenge to maintain concentration and competitiveness over five days, but you try getting yourself fed, watered, and entertained while mainly sitting on sloping grass.
England are here for three Tests against the BLACKCAPS that should be bloody entertaining, and we need to win to stay in the Test Championship hunt, so here’s the Sport Review guide to surviving and thriving while catching the action.
Diet - the definitive test cricket fan lunch would probably consist of like Branston pickle sandwiches and Roast Ox crisps or something, but in 2024 your options have opened up - but must be carefully considered. One false tikka masala wrap on day one could rule you out for the match, as could options like a ham roll that’s been cooking in your backpack until tea.
Sport Review recommends bringing plenty of non-meat snacks to keep energy levels up, while loading up at home or from a fine food truck in-ground. Just time your moves carefully to avoid queues. Obviously iconic options like Fritz Weiners or the Basin Reserves’ fried potato on a stick are recommended, but limit exposure, five days of that would not be good.
Elements management - The beauty of our grassy bank-ed, misty-eyed cricket venues is balanced by lack of cover from assault by litter-filled gales or being smashed in the face by an unrelenting sun. Most grounds have a sunscreen station if you forget, and long-sleeved options are recommended, including a cable-knit for when the sun goes away or last sessions of a day/night test. Sport Review usually packs a sun hat and a cap to provide optionality. Yes, you will need a bag to carry all your overly-fussy shit. What, are you heading into town later lol.
Liquid - Obviously you work hard and deserve a few delicious alcoholic or non beverages in the sun, but there’s no way you’re getting on the piss for five days like back at Uni. This aspect requires careful management to intertwine with both your life outside the cricket ground and the action - if you’re 16 beers deep while a 1.8 run an over sixth wicket stand is grinding away, you’re going to have a bad time.
Chat - It’s five days, you can talk about what ever you want. But - people that are very tuned into vibes will soon realise that even if chat turns to craft beer, or even so far as vinyl records, everyone’s mind is still on the match. You don’t want to be the last to realise that batter A has gone past an obscure milestone or throw into conversation that last time team B played at this venue they did notable feat C. This subtle game of one-upsmanship is very much on from the moment you enter the gate, and the more historic or esoteric points you can casually throw down, the more cred you’ll earn.
Media - Your phone is your friend, for impromptu statistical research and checking the group chat. You’ll spend most of the day texting people things like ‘Underneath the ANZ sign’ and ‘the other one’, so you’ll probably want a battery pack too.
The say a Test match is like a novel, but it’s also recommended you bring a Stephen King paperback to get through the flatter moments in the action. Radio commentary is crucial to keep up with nuances of what’s happening - sure, you can get it through the airpods, but for true acolytes, it’s an actual radio or bust. Bonus points if you have single-ear headphones you bought at a Dick Smith, double bonus points if your radio is encased in leather.
Thanks for reading - Richard
This week's best NZ sport content
They let me back on the radio, talking the weekend’s action and lamenting sport Twitter [RNZ]
The amazingly-named Wolfgang Haas won New Zealand’s first ever table football tournament, a fantastic game that needs to make a comeback [Friends of Football]
The coverage of Olivia Podmore’s inquest has been confronting in the extreme and raised a whole lot more questions than can be answered neatly [RNZ]
Former Football Fern Katie Rood got herself to COP 24 to ask questions about FIFA’s partnership with Saudi Aramco - this follows severe pushback from the local football community on potential Saudi sponsorship of FIFA WWC 23 [Locker Room]
GB goes deep on Tim Southee’s best batting performances, including a masterful 0* to secure a draw against England in the Christchurch gloam, while Paul n Dylan preview the Test series and build a Mount Rushmore of NZ fast bowlers [Sportsfreak, BYC Pod]
Gulf Harbour was once the name on every golfer’s lips and the domain of the great Murray Deaker. Now it’s in the hands of liquidators and in ruins - but, you can still play it, thanks to the efforts of locals sick of seeing it turn to shit [NZ Herald]
Video nasty
Winners Only goes to LA - I would like to play all these, especially Silvertop from Sport Review approved architect John Lautner.
Long read
I’ve you’ve ever spent more time farting about in the intoxicating world of time management minutiae than doing actual work, I see you and recommend this cautionary tale [Guardian]
Recommendation
The Ministry of Information fellas go to Glasgow’s Old Firm derby. Magical stuff.