LEAKED: Sporting greats audition for 1PM Update roles

Sport Review #166

To get ahead of 1PM update fatigue, the government has secretly auditioned new Zealand’s biggest sporting names to achieve even more cut through with New Zealanders and keep us safe.

Sport Review has obtained the leaked audition tapes by way of a 128 MB ‘Safeguard against SARS’ USB stick and presents them here.

Sean Fitzpatrick: “Um. Kia ora koutou. G’day. Basically, COVID is like a massive South African prop coming to bite you on the ear. Think of a mask as a pre-emptive kick in the nuts. And scanning in as endlessly whining to the ref. They worked for me, they’ll work for you.”

Jeremy Coney: “Stay home. Lovely. Glide from your green tea breakfast smoothie to the couch for a gin and tonic. Listen for the sound of your loafers on the surprisingly expensive rug. Drink it in. Drink it all in.”

Richard Loe: “We caught something about wastewater testing on the radio, so headed out back with a spade. Had the tank out in no time - no sign of COVID but happy to do our bit.”

Nick Mowbray: “It’s not just being good at Ali Express you know..”

Sean Fitzpatrick: “What do you mean there’s no fee?”

Mark Robinson: “Our primary focus is player safety. And commercial revenue. And fucking off the Australians. So. I want all New Zealanders to play their part by thinking about the All Blacks doing it tough and liking their Instagram posts. Then buy an Offical Mask of the All Blacks and upgrade last year’s jersey. We’re doing fine with the Australian bit, yeah cheers.”

Jeremy Coney: “19 missed calls. All from Wads. He can wait. Throw a light sweater over your shoulders and stroll around the garden.”

Richard Loe: “You - my elbow. COVID - Paul Carozza’s nose. Let’s do this.”

Keith Quinn: “It’s not easy reaching the top of the commentary game. You do your research. You do the time in hotel rooms. And all people remember is ‘Lomu! Ohhhh! Ohhh! You’re staying home. You’re doing the work. Don’t let people remember you for organising a Rosé tasting for the Jet Ski club in your home in level 4.”

Sean Fitzpatrick: “I have a Givealittle.”

Nick Mowbray: “Um. Water balloon fight?”

Adam Parore: “I’ll now throw to Dr Bloomfield for the numbers, immediately after I ask him a few key questions about personal branding.”

Thanks for reading - Richard

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