NEWS: All Blacks pivot from playing rugby to just talking about the All Black legacy and shit

Sport Review #202

Leaked documents reveal a plan to cease All Black rugby activity to focus on talking generally about the legacy of the jersey and stuff like that.

Confirming the news, Silver Lake head of Content, Leverage and Revenue Dan Thrashing-Harder said: “When the kiwis lost to Ireland, out came the whiteboard. Our insight is that rugby gets in the way. What’s stopping us being the world’s most successful sporting brand? Playing. It’s a distraction we don’t need.”

Resources tied up in high performance and talent development programmes will be immediately diverted to Colin Meads holograms and a line of 81 Springbok Tour NFT’s in a bid to build the brand.

Sam Whitelock said he understood the move, but wondered where the next generation of former All Blacks talking about the All Blacks would come from if the All Blacks didn’t exist any more, saying: “It’s a worry.”

The new direction will mean plenty of work for former players and rivals talking about general All Black shit. An anonymous source said “Basically, if you’ve played international rugby, want to talk about the All Blacks being good and can work some kind of spiritual, reverential shit in, then we’ve got a first class plane ticket, a round of golf with Fitzy and Zinny and three weeks’ house sitting for Shania Twain for you. Spots are filling fast.”

A 13 hour Disney+ documentary on the All Blacks’ legacy titled ‘You’re Not Worthy’ is in the works, along with a web series where kiwis in the streets of London share all the nice things people have said to them about the All Blacks in pubs. A launch event alongside the release of official All Blacks fragrance ‘Black Stratos’ will be held across aisles eight, nine and ten of the Albany Super Centre Chemist Warehouse.

The Breakdown warmly welcomed the All Blacks’ new direction before signing off for the final time.

Thanks for reading - Richard

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