Olympic events I have enjoyed ranked from least to most stressful
Sport Review #289
The Olympics are like dining at Valentines for a fortnight - it’s a rollercoaster, with soaring highs balanced by sugar crashes and deep emotional troughs as you get quickly invested in athletes you’ve never seen before competing in sports you’re only dimly aware of.
The tension ratchets up when Kiwis Doing Well On The World Stage are involved, as the rules and competitive framework of these events dawn on you, leaving you hyperventilating for medals. Here’s a rundown on the sports I’ve caught and can remember, ranked by stress.
Archery - I fucking love the archery, where truly wholesome nerds rule the world. This year’s venue was spectacular, and even though things get very tense when matches go down to the wire, the vibe is chill and relaxing, the archers are all cerebral and good sports, and will likely enjoy a great game of Risk or D&D together to decompress. Lovely.
Kayak Cross - just a joyful, joyful experience. There is a big drop, then some turns and things, then The Butcher wins gold in a sport I’d never heard of. It’s new, it’s cool and our team is awesome. More please.
Street Skating - really enjoyable because of my deep appreciation of the Shackle Me Not soundtrack and ability, having achieved ‘ollie over a curb’ level after about 18 months of trying as a teen. Also no-one cares because skateboarding should not be an Olympic sport.
100m sprints, 50m freestyle and Rugby Sevens - the tipping point between not stressful and stressful, because they adhere to the timeless lore of ‘A Fast Game’s A Good Game’. Things happen quickly and that’s good, because as anyone who enjoys the Mia drug overdose / adrenaline shot scene in Pulp Fiction knows, a spike in stress can be fun, as long as it’s over quickly.
Anything With Jumping - I simply cannot handle the qualifying bit, with the Kiwis determined to bin out on jumps one and two, meaning a must-jump on number three to get through. I hope Hamish Kerr wins a medal because I really, really want to believe his ‘I’ve got this dw’ demeanour is for real. Come on mate, get over the bar and I implore you to please do it quickly.
Men’s Triathlon - I never want to think about this ever again. First Hayden is behind in the swim, then you’re trying to pick him out in the bunch in the cycling (thank god he wore an orange helmet), then he’s miles out in front. The commentators, who I sincerely hope lost their jobs after this disaster, assured viewers over and over our guy had definitely, definitely won the gold medal, while we tried to figure out if he really was miles in front, or if it was just camera angles. THEN at the end, he only goes and gets passed with metres to go, while the coverage focused on the battle for third and fourth. 0/10, would not watch again.
Rowing - like it or not, we’re all invested in rowing. It’s all Halberg Awards Sweeping and High Performance Set Up at Lake Kapapiro and Tut Tut Desperate Cheating at the Maadi Cup But Also Let’s Do It Again Next Year etc bloody etc. Then we have DAYS of ‘When will New Zealand win medals at this Olympics, OMG we are all failures,’ so when we finally get to rowing finals day we’re all rabid dogs roaming the streets for gold. So WHY DO THE BOATS GO SO SLOWLY and WHY is it always so close, with the bloody bows leisurely dipping backwards and forth, neck and neck acting like hire boats deciding between ordering an ice cream or a wine after. Nightmare.
Thanks for reading - Richard
This week's best NZ sport content
The Detail on the mothers competing, and winning, at the Olympics and the progress made in welcoming them back to competition after having kids [RNZ]
How the All Blacks nearly signed with Nike, twice, but wound up sticking with Adidas [NZ Herald]
Joel McManus celebrates the great New Zealand sporting viewing experience, ie getting up in the middle of the bloody night to watch it [Spinoff]
Sport-heavy Mediawatch, with the set-your-watch-by-it moaning about a lack of medals early doors, and more moaning about the All Blacks’ talk-to-the-hand media management [RNZ]
Rowan Simpson breaks down the per-capita table, and compares Olympians’ performances to the average person [Top Three]
‘Right now, we look like the HR department of the Olympics’ - Madeleine Chapman thinks our uniforms are shit, and she is right [Spinoff]
Video nasty
Pssst… football’s almost back. Here’s what it’s like to play at the top level.
Long read
Great backgrounder on generative AI, bubbles and this week’s stock market crash, as more and more people start to wonder if this tech is worth all that resource [Where’s your Ed at?]
Recommendation
The Amateurs by John Niven is all about a Scottish hacker who gets struck on the head with a golf ball then somehow somehow obtains the perfect swing and finds himself contending for the British Open. There’s also gangland killings. It’s great, recommended [Penguin]