Power ranking: Christmas day activites

Sport Review #182

Dec 16, 2021

Ten: Competitive car packing
Packing the car is Satan’s business, unless you enjoy stress, Tetris and arguments. The only way to cope is to do it drunk, but then you’ve snookered yourself out of actually driving anywhere. Forget it.

Nine: Monopoly
Have you got seven hours to think about money and property on the most wholesome day of the year? Because I certainly don’t. I’ll go as far as Yahtzee and no further.

Eight: Sleeping
Go hard, go early.

Seven: Eating
What it’s all about - sure, we’ve taken every opportunity to stuff yourself like a Australian cricketer putting both feet in their mouth, but Christmas day is the Super Bowl of gluttony. Pros leave the B+E breakfast for the real prizes later in the day, but go easy on the trifle if you want to clean up any leftovers late in the day.

Six: Drinking
If you drink, that’s great but you need to work it around your other responsibilities like cooking, cleaning the house from top to bottom before people arrive or finding six AAA batteries. Your optimum level is probably ‘three-beers-deep-relaxed-but-functional-but-beyond-driving’ but definitely stop short of ‘clear the air time, ‘angry’ or ‘political discussion.’

Five: Being Santa
Drawbacks include sweating and having to avoid any naked flames in your Look Sharp! santa outfit, and you’ll lose the beard after about 15 minutes. The upside is kids love it, and later on you can take Father Christmas in different directions like Sweary Santa, Santa Go Sleep Now, Santa Does Mike Hosking Impressions and Santa Has Had Enough Of Your Bullshit.

Four: Making lego
It’s awesome and gives you welcome time out from other jobs.

Three: BBQing
This may look like mere food preparation but at its heart, grilling meat is a way to establish dominance over the pack. Everyone wants to be the master of setting things on fire, but be warned that with great succulence comes great responsibility. You may want to set the charcoal up at 3am for a slow cook brisket or pork shoulder, but if you fuck it up, you’ll hear about it for years… Steak and sausages are a safe option for the tired and emotional chef, but for god’s sake don’t listen to any advice while you’re doing it.

Two: Backyard cricket
Obviously cricket is great, and any chance to showcase your slower ball, reverse sweet and catching reflexes are welcome. But - there’s a limited window for play on Christmas day, because balancing imbibing and sport can be tricky, plus it can . Recommend this option early to work up an appetite for eating your body weight in ham later on.

One: A movie
Every parent’s back pocket option for when things get too crazy late in the day and you just want quality time on your phone or a leisurely rummage through the fridge. Recommend Home Alone with the kids, then falling asleep in front of Bad Santa after dark.

Thanks for reading - Richard

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