Quiz: Are you sitting next to an undercover David Warner at the cricket?

Sport Review #267

Feb 22, 2024

David Warner’s permanently aggressive demeanour and the fact he presents as genuinely thick, combined with a rap sheet that starts with ball tampering ringleading and throwing a young team mate under the bus, takes in extreme sledging all around the world and ends with abysmal facial hair and an annoying jump mean he’s a challenging person to like.

So when he came out earlier in the week to complain about the abuse he’d copped from New Zealand crowds, it felt… wrong. He hasn't done the time, maintained a spotless disciplinary record over a satisfactorily long period of time and is now back to 12 step his way into our hearts. In fact, he seems like the same old David Warner.

And so - because it feels like the sneaky thing he’d do - he’s a quiz that will help you identify whether you’re sitting next to an undercover David Warner at the game, who may or may not be trying to positively influence your feelings towards David Warner.

When he goes for snacks, does he bring back:

Like a hot dog and a beer, just normal stuff
18 Basin Reserve fried potatoes with ‘David Warner’ written in biro on the stick and just hands them out to people

The Aussie openers are bogged down, the run rate is tepid - does your seat mate say:

‘Fucken awesome, keep at it BLACKCAPS, dominate these Aussies like a teenage birthday party at Valentines!’
‘The Aussies need a short, aggressive opener from inner city Sydney here with an aggressive attitude and annoying forearms. Maybe! Har.’

The game is getting tense. Is your seat mate:

Enjoying the match, making run calculations and making jokes to break the tension
Kind of making aimless sandpaper-like motions on their thigh

There’s nothing like a bit of stat chat. The group takes it in turns to ask their favourite cricket nerd trivia - does your seat mate:

Come up with some real tricky statto shit and obviously know their stuff?
Answer every question with ‘David Warner?’

It’s lunch break, so everyone gets on the ground for a hit. Does your seat mate:

Take a couple of catches, give all the kids a bowl and bat, giddy with the joy of being on the playing surface
Smash the first ball literally out of the park, then repeats it until your group is all out of tennis balls. Then walks through everyone else’s game

The Aussies win! Does your seat mate:

Mutter ‘fuck’s sake’, pack the radio and blanket into their bag and stalk off home or to the pub
Immediately bolt through the crowd, elbowing young children and the elderly out of the way to the boundary area, where he sprints 50 metres before performing a mid air pirouette and fist pump with a roar that would disturb Don Bradman in his grave

Thanks for reading - Richard

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