QUIZ: Do you believe in the Warriors?
Sport Review #324
No team is as mercurial as the One NZ Warriors. Dazzling the Mt Smart faithful one minute, losing eight in a row the next. The familiar cycle of win / lose / sack coach / change owners is as certain as the tide, and supporters’ belief is comprehensively tested each and every year.
Even with the team sitting second on the ladder, supporters are afraid to commit, asking each other if this team is actually, actually, actually for real.
To bring a scientific framework to this situation, Sport Review presents the Warriors Belief Quiz ©, to measure your confidence by comparing the team to other questionable things.
Which one exists out of the Loch Ness Monster or the Warriors?
OK, the Loch Ness monster is a monster that lives in a Scottish lake that’s only ever been seen by people wobbling home on a bicycle after drinking 23 blended whiskeys in local taverns. And now there is a tourist industry and merch being sold. This is pretty suss from the outset.
And look, we have to have some common truths. There is little doubt the Warriors are a team that plays in the NRL. People go to see them every other week, and you can find them on google maps. They fully exist.
Which is more plausible - Single Bullet Theory or It’s our year?
Single bullet theory is pretty unbelievable when you think about it, that old mate Lee Harvey Oswald was able to get two shots away in twenty frames of the Zapruder film, when FBI tests clearly show it would take at least 40. The Warren Commission finding hangs on the single gunman being true, and so there are dark forces at work to ensure this is the case.
It’s our year is tenuous at best, it’s the kind of thing that happens a lot in like January, but gets pretty scarce after a 113-7 defeat to the Storm on ANZAC day. Trying to get behind It’s our year is like trying to do your GST return on the Coca Cola Corkscrew at Rainbow’s End, slippery and taxing. On the evidence I’m leaning It’s our year, but I’ve not read all the just-released JFK files in fairness.
Which is more likely - the Canterbury big cat or Top eight prospects?
So even if we want to believe there’s throngs of moas and panthers hanging out in the bush laughing at us while we run around like headless chooks looking for them, there’s no way, right? We would have found droppings or fur or beaks by now. Surely. Mind you, this is Canterbury, all kinds of shit goes on down there.
The Warriors are currently second on the log, and it looks like they’re a lock for top eight, but if I had a dollar for every time I heard that in May and then heard things like ‘collapse’ ‘catastrophic’ and ‘wooden spoon’ in September, I’d have roughly 28 dollars. Too soon to make a call.
Would you put money on UFO contact or a Sydney Grand Final?
UFO’s have to be real. The universe is a vast place, there’s no way Earth is the only place that has life. You’ve seen the state of people on Facebook, other planets undoubtedly have their shit together more than that, and are likely hovering right now, deciding when to use the vapour ray. If only Israel Dagg would give us some interesting stuff like this to bet on.
Making the playoffs is one thing, but even Mulder and Scully would have a hard time putting FBI salaries on the Warriors being there for the final. I mean, come on. Everyone wants it, no-one’s putting their hands in the pockets though are they.
Thanks for reading - Richard
This week's best NZ sport content
Andrew Voerman meets Logan Rogerson, the Hamilton winger who has taken the long way around to being a vital part of a title winning team, while Michael Burgess previews the semi final matches that start Saturday night [Stuff, NZ Herald]
Me on the radio chatting about the IPL, Virat Kohli, European football, Ryan Fox and graciously allowing Emile to trash talk Spurs [RNZ]
Explainer on the confusing world of FIFA and the series of new tournaments springing up to ensure even more football occurs [RNZ]
The Warriors women are back and getting ready to compete in the NRLW again this year [RNZ]
Look at that, it’s Bay Oval in the world’s top ten cricket venues, as chosen by the venerable scribe Scyld Berry [Stuff]
Video nasty
Extremely motivational. And satisfying payoff.
Long read
All about those kitchen bits and pieces that are full of magic, whether you use them every day or just like to have them in the drawer [Guardian]
Recommendation
Yes, we watched Four Seasons like everyone else, and yes it is very good. Intrigued to watch the 1980 Alan Alda film it was based on now.