Ranking Champions Trophy cricket teams from least to most annoying

Sport Review #313

New Zealand - Try and keep up. Not only do we have the world’s greatest batsman, but we’re the fucking dark horses. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean we won’t bow out in the semis or the final, but our vibe of being tough to beat, but also being good guys means we’re the kind of team you’d be happy to have a beer and listen to Slice of Heaven on the UE with in the shed after. Annoying factor: 0 Michael Clarkes

Afghanistan - Really loveable. These guys aren’t being identified for a talent programme at Kings and handed a $2000 Cricket Express voucher - if you’ve ever likened a parking warden to the Taliban, imagine dealing with the actual Taliban to get to work. Sure, you have to kind of ignore the general policy on their womens’ team and that, but otherwise, no problem. Annoying factor: 0 Michael Clarkes

Bangladesh: I’ve just got a soft spot. Everyone is generally five foot three, but they love to drag you down to their level and give you a proper scrap. Maximise resources by keeping up a barrage of sledging an Australian club presidents XI would be proud of. Annoying factor: Michael Clarke ordering a latte extra hot

Pakistan: Going on and on about Pakistan is a pre req to be a cricket hipster. All those left arm swinging yorker bowlers, devil may care running between wickets and outsider status. The anti-India. This is their first home tournament in eons, and they’re not even getting to play all their games at home, more on that later. Annoying factor: Michael Clarke taking an age to reverse into a car park

West Indies: Just want them to be better. If Viv Richards isn’t your favourite batsman of all time, you have a cold, dead heart. Historically fearsome, currently kitten-like, they’re capable of either going home first or winning it. Either way, they’re going to do it looking cool. Annoying factor: Michael Clarke making you wait while doing his monthly banking at the ATM

South Africa: Kind of want them to win a tournament at last, but not at our expense. I was entirely comfortable with denying them in the semi final in 2015 and would do so again. The niggle factor is really really high with these guys, you know they’d smash us comprehensively then sleep like a baby. Annoying factor: Michael Clarke running you through all his rental properties

England: Really really annoying. Invented the game, generally rubbish at it but you never hear the end of it. Beat us quite a lot. Nicked Brendon McCullum and are now trying to do all the shit he does, ooooh *now* you’re into tattoos and beards? Unconvincing. Annoying factor: Michael Clarke doing a sponsored Instagram post for some kind of scammy wellness powder

Australia: Look, I’m not happy that the country of Peter Dutton, Kerry O’Keefe, Glen McGrath and George Gregan aren’t number one either, but rest assured that this is a really really annoying team. The fact they have a captain I quite like is irritating in itself as it makes things complicated and confusing, but at least Pat Cummins is out for this one. Rest assured they’re going to find a formula involving playing quite well but being unpleasant at the same time, and may well rise to Most Annoying as the tournament progresses. Annoying factor: Micheal Clarke going on a Sideways-style getaway weekend with David Warner

India: Do pretty much everything in their power to do Pakistan over and are now not even giving them the dignity of playing their matches in Pakistan - will be holed up in Dubai luxury hotels eating fuck off buffet breakfasts bigger than a doormat for the duration and will only enter Pakistan if they make the final. Let’s hope it happens. Otherwise it’s the usual story, sense of entitlement, histrionics, complaining. Clear number one. Annoying factor: Michael Clarke catches up with the whole Channel Nine commentary team

Thanks for reading - Richard

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