Rugby rivalry review
Sport Review #170
It’s deeply shocking for New Zealanders venturing overseas to learn a) not everyone loves the All Blacks and b) generally, rugby fans think we’re a pack of cheats. The great game is built on rivalries, and as top dog we have our share. Here’s a run through the main ones, apologies in advance to everyone from these fine nations I know personally.
South Africa
Main crimes: Beating us regularly. 1995. Biting ears. That pitch invader (who to be fair looked indistinguishable from any Springbok front rower, except for jeans). Complicated Apartheid history that is being addressed but highlights some pretty average complicit behaviour on NZ rugby’s part.
Redeeming features: Our South African whānau are very much part of the social fabric in modern New Zealand. Living on Auckland’s North Shore, this has opened up many fine opportunities for meat eating.
Fans: Know their shit. Passionate.
Australia
Main crimes: That whole unpleasant John Eales stretch. Quade Cooper. Frustratingly bad recently. Michael Cheika. 1991. 2003.
Redeeming features: For a while, the Bledisloe Cup felt like the biggest sporting events in the world, especially in the new Olympic stadium.
Fans: They are Australian. Large parts of the population completely unbothered by rugby, which is really annoying. John Howard a big fan.
England
Main crimes: Clive Woodward. Encouraging John Mitchell. Being good enough to beat us in 2019 but then bottling it. Doing a victory lap after a draw. Seem to think they are rivals with us (wtf?).
Redeeming features: Twickenham is tremendous.
Fans: Come at you with all kinds of reasons and statistics on why they are an amazing. Generally hanging around outside Twickenham with tweed and hampers in an exhausting fashion.
France
Main crimes: 1999. 2007. Almost 2011. Spawning one of the most overworked cliches in sport about Being Unpredictable. That snooty waiter who didn’t like you that one time and you’ve used as a template to judge a nation forever more. Holding up a mirror that says rugby is not actually life or death and you can play with freedom and have a cool haircut and place greater value on wine, steak and singing than some stupid game. Stuff like that.
Redeeming features: Chabal. The try from the end of the earth. Cool jersies. Always falling out with each other.
Fans: Amazing. Urbane. Not bothered by us.
Ireland and Wales
Main crimes: Never stepping up to being proper rivals. Have actually beaten us recently.
Redeeming features: Play with passion. Enterprising and entertaining.
Fans: Personally, some of my favourite rugby memories are from living in Dublin, where the focus is enjoyment and getting out of your mind with the drink rather than who is selected at blindside or whatever. Respect the kicker, highlighting the hypocrisy of my wholehearted and petty appreciation of a Waikato crowd ringing bells at the opposition number ten.
Thanks for reading - Richard
This week's best NZ sport content
Hopefully the 100th All Blacks v Springboks test lives up to the occasion at the weekend - Dylan Cleaver has the top three wins for each side, while Sportsfreak reviews Jamie Walls’ latest book on the greatest rivalry [The Bounce, Sportsfreak]
Hosea Gear is coaching Ngāti Porou East Coast, aiming to help them break a 50 game losing streak [Stuff]
Winston Reid finishes up with West Ham United, and NZ greats run through his Premier League career so far [Stuff]
Where is running champion Anne Audian now? Angela Walker found out [Locker Room]
Video nasty
You can’t have too many.
Long read
Writer changes things up by writing fake agony aunt letters. They get published, and writer finds it hard to stop [Gawker]
Recommendation
I’m late to this - but the Wind of Change podcast that asks ‘Did the CIA write a heavy metal ballad that helped break up the Soviet Union?’ is a cracking listen.
Bring back the gif
Driving to that sweet Level 3 sushi.
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