Scientific research confirms Super Rugby is the least romantic thing happening on Valentines Day
Sport Review #312
NEWSDESK: Scientists have conclusively ruled out the possibility that Super Rugby, which kicks off this evening on Valentines Day, is romantic in any way.
“Justin Marshall will be involved. We could have ended our research there,” said Donald Tie-Scratcher, Head of Rugby Romance Research at the WalkShorts Institute.
“Literally nothing about Super Rugby suggests romance. Ground announcers shouting. Scrum resets. All that polyester. Retrieving chips drenched in sauce from the bottom of paper pottles. You’d be better placed looking for love in the food bin.”
Research was conducted in controlled conditions with some groups wired to heart rate monitors, strapped down and confronted with Super Rugby footage to detect any sign of romantic arousal, while control group doing fucking normal things considering it is literally the middle of summer like going to the beach, eating ice cream and watering the garden showed normal to elevated levels of romantic activity.
“Even groups given three minutes to obtain chips, drinks, cheese and crackers from the supermarket before being late for the BBQ showed higher levels of romantic activity than anyone involved in Super Rugby,” said lab assistant Marjorie Beaker.
Not even a half time marriage ceremony at the Crusaders’ season opener can be classified as romantic, according to science. “In fairness, I’d be checking birth certificates, this wedding could open new lines of genetic research,” said Tie-Scratcher.
Scientists recommend that people exposed to rugby this evening take steps like watching chiropractor youtube, reading Hansard or reviewing sponsorship contracts with Euro petro-chemical conglomerates, all of which offer higher levels of romance than Super Rugby.
Thanks for reading - Richard
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