Silverlake memo to NZR: WTF is going on?
Sport Review #208
Yo, it’s Surchezk. Dan Surchezk, Silverlake Global Vice President Performance Frameworks and Revenue Synergies. But right now Surchezk is VP of WTF.
I’d just finished Marsupial Clay Pigeon Shooting and was halfway up Melrose, when New Zealand started calling. We own All Blacks. Dallas Cowboys of rugby. I didn’t even know what rugby was, thought it was some English private school boy shit. They love it like bad teeth and rats.
Anyway, these All Blacks have been losing. Bad. Ireland. Argentina. All I knew about Ireland was drinking, singing and confession. I thought Argentina was a fake wikipedia page. Choke me with a Balenciaga weighted blanket, we didn’t sign up for this shit.
Look, ‘rugby’ is boring as hell. No helmets, no pads, no guns. There’s more rules than they got on me at Bel Air Spa after the alligator incident. But they told me there was money in it. Mumbling some shit about Twickenham and Toffee Pops, whatever.
I told New Zealand - we had an understanding. We had a deal. We made threats. We sacrificed a sheep.
Turns out they got a guy called ‘Fossie’ in charge. I was all ‘Fossie fuckin bear? Did we buy the muppets? Muppets I can make money with.’ Then they tell me they got another guy called ‘Razor’ just sitting there doing nothing. Winner. Blonde mane. Chin like a marble surfboard. Razor sounds like revenue.
I was so mad I drove the Hummer straight through the Bel Air gates. These New Zealand guys have got Hobbit shit for brains. I booked an emergency Matcha massage to calm down and charged it to ‘Fossie’.
I sent a voice mail. You don’t make revenue with losers. Silverlake are private equity baby, not private fund-you-to-lose-and-go-record-shopping. You lose, you got two options. You start winning. Or we start whiteboarding using your fingers for pens. The Surchezk performance management school is tougher than explaining why all the neighbourhood pets turned up dead in your pool house. It’s win or Silverlake Penitentiary time baby.
Thanks for reading - Richard
This week's best NZ sport content
Point: First XV rugby finalists are not living up to their schools’ lofty ideals says Bruce Holloway (very entertainingly). Counterpoint - maybe it’s about shielding players from the hype and no-one every says anything interesting anyway says Desmond Nash [NZ Herald, Substack]
His talents seemed to scream white-ball specialist, yet he was a far better test player than he was ODI or T20.
At his best he was a wonderfully free-flowing attacking batsman, and a dry and somewhat constipated bowler.
He had bucket hands and cannon for an arm, yet looked ready to fall asleep in the field at any given moment.
At times he made batting look sickeningly easy, then a match later impossibly difficult.
Dylan Cleaver on CDG [The Bounce]
With NZR falling out with the media, players association, SANZAR and tying themselves up for years to get the Silverlake deal done, the comprehensive governance review that will be made public will be very, very interesting says Dana Johannsen [Stuff]
Joel Kulasingham reviews the new SKY Sport Now apps [NZ Herald]
Merryn Anderson talks to musician, artist and Football Fern Hannah Wilkinson about the team’s progress and the home world cup [Locker Room]
Video nasty
I know how to wait.
Long read
The Dyaltov Pass incident, where a group of young Russian hikers died horribly in below zero conditions, has been blamed on everything from cold war operatives to UFO’s to a yeti. Has it been solved at last? [New Yorker]
Recommendation
Hullrasiers is on TVNZ+ and is very funny.
Bring back the gif
When Colin de Grandhomme leaves your life as mysteriously as he arrived.
