Stadium food power rankings

Sport Review #292

Aug 29, 2024

Food is a crucial element of… most things really. At a sporting event it’s a big part of your experience and there are several elements at play - does it soak up beer, does it take a long time to obtain, is it a pain to eat in a stadium seat?

Obviously if you’re there for a five day cricket test there’s ample scope to peruse the options and enjoy a selection, but for rugby or football, you must nail it immediately, no second chances. Let’s discuss.

Hot chips - you might think these are an old favourite and safe ground, but you can guarantee your mate has smothered the shit out of them with tomato sauce, and next thing you’re scrabbling around the bottom of a paper pottle trying to grasp the last ones while your hands look like a murder scene. Did he bring a napkin? Did he fuck.

Coffee - OK, I understand the thinking behind offering coffee at a sporting venue in some respects, but really, trusting people to keep things simple for the collective good and order maybe a flat white or even a long black at a sporting event so that the barista can keep things moving is simply not possible. As Sport Review has bitterly complained about previously, I spent 25 minutes of a 90 minute football match during the women’s world cup waiting for a round of hot chocolates. A disgrace all around, and a wholly unnecessary one.

My fucking view of Hannah Wilkinson’s once-in-a-lifetime world cup goal, and it’s all thanks to coffee.

Food trucks - these are fantastic and there should be more of them, but again, it requires careful management so you’re not held up. Is the food pre-prepared? How fast are the servers moving? Are there angry looking people standing around in a queue? If you want the Tom Yum Goong, my only advice is get there early, don’t order five just before kick off.

Pie - they say the banana is the perfect snack as it comes in its own packaging. Same applies for pastry and meat and sometimes cheese. There’s a reason we hand out 375 pie awards each year, and it’s because they’re great. Quick to order, eat and generally no mess. Always blow, you know the drill.

Hot dog - perfect. Meat. Batter. Done. It comes with its own cutlery, you can eat it without even touching it and then readily dispose of the stick when you pass a bin. World class.

Fritz’s Weiners - just amazing. The sausage is great, the mustard selection is extensive and the onions bring things home like a last minute winning try for your team. To quote Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi, ‘Fritz’s is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or random as an american hot dog; an elegant meal for a more civilized age.’

Sport Review understands Fritz’s are available in other locations, but block my ears, I don’t want to know. Some things in this world are too precious to enjoy every day, I want to save this for special occasions.

Potato on a stick - what do you people want, nutrition? All the things regarding a hot dog apply, but with less meat and more salt and crunch, cornerstones of a satisfying sporting culinary experience. Seemingly only available at the Basin Reserve but that only makes it better imo.