Things That Will Make Sport Better: Sharks!

Sport Review #206

Aug 18, 2022

Sport! It’s great. But it’s also difficult.

Not only do people have to learn the rules and buy equipment and find somewhere to play your sport, but then you have to make it compelling enough that people want to watch it on TV.

With fierce competition for your entertainment dollar, Sport Review presents a series of Things That Will Make Sport Better - more exciting, more challenging and more marketable. First up - Sharks!

Nothing excites the mind and reflexes and fight or flight instinct like an apex predator. Throw top athletes in a pot with the top of the food chain and you’ve got a must see TV stew going!

Swimming - Obviously. If a world championship or Olympic medal doesn’t inspire you to a PB, then how about a Bull Shark in lane three?

Badminton horse trials - Sharks in water jumps not only offers horses the challenge of going higher and faster to avoid becoming shark elevensies, but also open a unique inland big game fishing experience / revenue stream for the toffs. What-ho!

Rebel Sport - Liven up a dull wet Saturday afternoon at the mall and possibly encase all your limbs in a sweet new track suit - take your chances with a school of mako in a tank filled with coveted 80% off tokens.

Rugby League - Just calling a team the Sharks is light work. What about a squad of actual sharks patrolling the NRL like the shallow waters around a wharf at dusk? Compared to many in the Australian competition, sharks operate under their own no-dickhead policies, prefer the ocean to nightclubs, with no recorded instances of shitting on police cars.

Sporting panel shows - Basically, all sporting analysis now takes place suspended above a tank filled with ravenous sharks. Viewers have the power to introduce presenters into the drink for tepid takes by pushing ‘swim’ in the app.

Golf - All greens are now shark invested water hazards - if you’re going to complete the round and get the handicap down, you’re going to have to wade to the hole. With no fucking about plumb bombing or contemplating the grain, play will speed up immeasurably with the average round now taking about 25 minutes.

Thanks for reading - Richard

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This week's best NZ sport content

Fascinating interview with Justin Nelson, ex-AFL and NBL sporting exec who’s attempting to repeat his marketing / sponsorship fan engagement trick for NZR from within SKY TV [The Spinoff]

I managed be on OE in London during 1998, one of the worst periods in All Black history, which for a chippy NZ rugby banter merchant was incredibly poor timing - Jamie Wall compares how this period of national rugby misery with some of the others [RNZ]

Actual real-life seemingly unfiltered quotes from an NZR board member on making the Ian Foster / Razor decision [NZ Herald]

Next time you find yourself in Ranfurly Shield conspiracy corner, you can wow them with these stats handily complied by Richard Gordon [Sportsfreak]

Zoe George asks if our Birmingham medals mean everything is sweet for everyone in our high performance programmes now [Stuff]

The one key person who’s never had the chance to set his narrative out and defend himself in long form is Mike Hesson. Given what he achieved at the helm of the Black Caps, his career feels unfairly maligned and minimised. Right from the start, before even the “Taylor affair”, influential former players were gunning for him in childish ways, but he did more to set the Black Caps on a course for sustained success than anybody seems prepared to give him credit for

Footnote from Dylan Cleaver’s Ross Taylor book review [The Bounce]