Which is better out of New Zealand and France?

Sport Review #251

You’re about to get very sick of France. Science shows that Rugby World Cups take about four months to play, which means a lot of reporters on the ground with very little to talk about except increasingly desperate colour pieces on France, the French and what they’re up to. Let’s sort this out - which is best out of New Zealand and France?

Food

You might thinks this is an open and shut win to the Europeans. Garlic. Wine. Snails. Thousands of years of history, peasant innovation, fine ingredients and Michelin Stars mean France is a culinary experience and destination foodies dream of.

But have you guys ever heard of a little thing called the Edmonds Cookbook? I didn’t think so. All your fancy dan buttery sauces and baguettes won’t help you when you really feel like an Afghan mate. And also, can you get wedges with sour cream and sweet chilli sauce and little bits of bacon on them on the Champs-Élysées? I didn’t think so Pierre. Sit down.

Winner: New Zealand

Cartoons

If you hire a Book A Bach, it is legally required they provide at least four Footrot Flats books, so you can relax and ignore your family or friends while catching up on Wal and the dog and their simple brand of down home goings on.

Unfortunately, they are rubbish compared to Asterix, the Gaulish warrior who uses an admittedly scarcely credible magic potion to stick it to the Romans. Not only is there lots of fighting and an array of supporting characters complete with hilarious names (Impedimenta! Getafix!), but it’s extremely educational, with every New Zealander on their OE able to fully school up on the culture and stereotypes of every European country before they arrive.

Winner: France, I’m afraid

Customer service

Look, everyone in New Zealand is a bit terrified of going to the service station or supermarket for the fear of getting stuck taking to the folks there about their day, their problematic spine health or auntie who won lotto. Plus you’re required to say ‘thanks’ a minimum of 15 times per transaction.

It’s overly familiar and can take up a lot of time when you’re rushing about, but contrast that with French waiters, who will ignore you, spit in your food and likely go home with your wife / husband / travel companion, despite the fact you clearly attempted to say S'il vous plaît. Fuck that.

Winner: New Zealand

Protests

Let’s face facts. The parliament occupation was weak sauce that looked like some kind of potpourri / reggae / yoga sales conference and smelt like a Coromandel incense storage unit.

The French don’t muck around with this stuff. They get in, they break a lot of stuff, then go home, with a tradition of protest that goes back centuries. A French farmer protest would take down Auckland while Groundswell were still trying to get their redbands off the dog.

Winner: France

Bonus content

Listen to this Sport Review podcast France edition, ‘released’ in 2009, but remarkably still relevant and timeless.

Thanks for reading - Richard

This week's best NZ sport content

The Detail on commentators - everyone’s got an extremely complicated idea of how it should be done, but what’s it like being charged with calling the game with thousands listening? [RNZ]

David Cormack read Gregor Paul’s book all about the All Blacks and money and wasn’t impressed [NewsRoom]

TVNZ suddenly has an amazing sports line up, with free to air cricket coming up over the summer - here’s how it’s shaking down since the demise of Spark Sport, with everyone playing nice so far [Stuff]

World Cup, World Cup, World Cup - if you’re not sick of this one just yet, here’s every All Blacks World Cup match ranked, and the biggest All Blacks World Cup heartbreaks (so far!) - and Jim Kayes on his personal World Cup history, along with a bit of advice for the All Blacks and coaches heading into this one [NZ Herald, RNZ, The Bounce]

Video nasty

Quite a journey this.

Long read

When the world’s biggest tennis match fixer was busted, the information on his devices showed a web of with associates all through the professional tours, who helped him make millions every year [Washington Post]

Recommendation 

The new-ish series (and all the old ones) of What We Do In The Shadows in on Disney+.