Which is better out of New Zealand or Switzerland?
Sport Review #245
With the Football Ferns meeting Switzerland on Sunday needing a win to get out of the group, now’s the time to do the research and declare which country is best once and for all.
Chocolate
Sure, everyone gets Toblerone for the gang in the office when they come back from a drinking weekend in Sydney, but can the Swiss do collabs with Jelly Tip or Garage Project like Whittaker’s? No.
And what the fuck is nougat anyway? The answer is no-one cares.
Winner: New Zealand
Yachting
You’d think this would be a slam dunk to the island nation with our zinc cream and cups of tea in arcoroc mugs and Kawau Island and Murray’s Bay Yacht Club. Switzerland doesn’t even have an ocean.
But look closer and you’ll find Ernesto Bertarelli’s boys got right up in our grill, raiding the Team New Zealand talent war chest for the best yachties in the business to rip the America’s Cup out of our Viaduct Harbour and our hearts. It was a grim lesson in the rough and tumble of professional sport for this fair nation and arguably we’ve never recovered.
Winner: Switzerland
Scenery
Tough one - the cartoonishly idyllic Swiss alps make a compelling case for visual superiority, but has a worthy opponent in Aotearoa’s rugged but beautiful topography.
Ultimately, Switzerland’s mountains are more likely to lull you to sleep with the distant ringing of cowbells than send you insane enough to produce a McCahon triptych of your own, but this one is too close to call.
Draw
Children’s fiction
Heidi is solid if one dimensional. Overcoming hardship, having pigtails, we get it.
I’m afraid the darling of Dörfli is simply blown out of the water by the narrative tension, character development and ensemble cast of Hairy Maclary and his friends.
You have got a whole-arse GANG of dogs, and they get into scrapes and they have twisted names like Schnitzel von Krumm and Bitzer Maloney and there’s a cat called Scarface fucking Claw, and another cat called Slinky Malinki that is a literal cat burglar.
No contest, this is over before they got out of the gates. Switzerland, we smashed you on this one.
Winner: New Zealand
Tennis
Sorry Chris Lewis. We love you and beating Kevin Curran in that semi final was a triumph, but you are up against the all court GOAT, with unparalleled serving accuracy, backhand nirvana and a laid back and louche style on and off the court. There’s no shame in this one, no-one puts Roger in the corner.
Winner: Switzerland
Male fashion
Granted, New Zealand men dress casual for absolutely everything, with restaurants and bars forced to display ‘No ripped jeans, we can clearly see your genitalia’ and ‘No gumboots’ signs. Christmas in Aotearoa is miserable because the males are forced to wear gifted short sleeve dress shirts, which are quickly hidden in the rags pile on boxing day.
But this emphasis on comfort above all else contrasts with the fussy, restrictive Swiss. There’s no way anyone is happy wearing little waistcoats with 93 buttons, and what appears to be metal at the neck, chest and over the groin.
You Swiss boys should come to New Zealand. You need to relax.
Winner: New Zealand.
Thanks for reading - Richard
This week's best NZ sport content
Rugby’s Dan Carter has taken his talents to scent - Calum Henderson drenches himself in the stuff in the name of journalism [Spinoff]
USWNT fans are fascinating - the numbers, noise, the steampunk. Suzanne McFadden met some of the travelling contingent, while Anna Rawhiti-Connell found a way into this World Cup through the team’s 🔥 suiting [Locker Room, Spinoff]
Meet pub trivia answer legend Rodney Redmond, who got a ton on Test debut for New Zealand, and never got another chance [RNZ]
Gain Huet took time out of his lager / schnitzel / depressing pop music schedule while on European tour to see the Hungarian Grand Prix [Sportsfreak]
Thanks to reader Lee for sharing the latest Switch It Off catch, this time from the Hutt Valley’s Fraser Park hockey pavilion with everyone’s fav centre / lawyer Conrad Smith. Keep them coming.
Video nasty
Best out of three.
Long read
Recommendation
Graham Coxon goes on the Off Menu podcast and is very dry and funny. Oh, and there’s a new Blur album out.