Why can't the All Blacks win in Wellington?

Sport Review #296

The national men’s rugby team has not won in Wellington since 2018, with a series of losses to South Africa, Argentina and even Australia. But why? Isn’t this title town? Sport Review investigates why winning in this hotbed of culture and cuisine is so difficult.

Squad arguments over Roti Chanai - “For years, everyone liked Nyonya Malaysia and we’d go there three days out from the game for team lunch. But then the Crusaders boys jacked up some kind of deal with R&S Satay Noodle House. They said it was because the soup hit different, but it was pretty blatant they were getting two free roti each, and guys like Richie Mo'unga would come back from Japan for lunch and would be talking shit about the bones in the chicken over at Nyonya and it just got awkward for everyone eh.”

Bad juju from Hurricanes fans bitter over some past grievance - scrums, lack of vegan Korean BBQ options in the hospitality area, fog, TJ being picked, TJ not being picked, there’s always something, take your pick M8.

Island Bay bike lanes - How is a team supposed to drive their Ford Rangers to visit schools and support local business at 60kph and find parks right outside when you can’t move for scooters and cargo bikes? It’s a fucking nightmare and the impact on high performance cannot be underestimated.

Underestimated effect of local beer brewery - “It was meant to be a quick drink after training. There was a chalk board with all the beers, but it was hard deciding so we ordered a ‘Witch Doctor Dreadlock Cable Car XPA’ each, turned out it was 13.5%! We tried to put the fire out with a ‘CamelPak Conundrum West Coast’ but that was bigger. Last thing I remember was being at the Green Parrot and Winston Peters sending over a ham steak, it wasn’t good.”

Christopher Luxon kiss of death - the All Blacks have not won in Wellington under the current PM. No judgement, but the stats do not lie.

Lame attempt to do a limousine ride - New Zealand’s BLACKCAPS are well known for their post-test win tradition of driving up Mount Vic that’s loved by locals. But a copycat attempt after the last win at the Cake Tin by the All Blacks was met with derision and laughter and the team was pelted with Hansard print outs and keep cups by local joggers and dog walkers, cursing All Black performances in Wellington ever since.

Thanks for reading - Richard

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